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Video: Working with The Shadow Self
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung
The shadow is the “dark side” of our personality because it consists chiefly of primitive, negative human emotions and impulses like rage, envy, greed, selfishness, desire, and the striving for power. It is commonly called Inner work, which is the psychological and spiritual practice of diving deep into your inner self for the purposes of self-exploration.
The shadow doesn’t actually mean the darkness. The shadow means a part of your psyche which you feel the most uncomfortable. Generally, it’s the shadow aspects of yourself that holds much of your attention. Subconsciously and unconsciously, many of the actions you take and don’t take consciously are a direct result of the fears from your shadow!
Therapists often try to help clients to transform their emotional suffering (shadow) into well-being (freedom) through awareness and change of behaviors that do not ultimately serve their goals.
You maybe wondering why you should even consider doing such an emotionally draining exercise?
On the lighter side, may I suggest that it will help you build your relationship with the God or Goddess. Most of the time we are approaching the ancient Gods with a request, as a result of a spell or a ritual we would like to perform. Working on your shadow self gives you an opportunity to develop a deeper and more vulnerable relationship with spirit.
On the deeper side, here are some additional benefits you will experience as a result of working on your shadow:
- Improve your relationships as you will have less personal conflict
- increase your confidence
- develop self-knowledge
- enhance your physical and mental energy
- move towards psychological integration a.k.a. wholeness
- evaluate your creativity
- dissolve internal resistance to change
- Have some compassion for yourself
How can the shadow self affect your relationship?
“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
– Norman Cousins
In this example, where one person is “resentfully compliant” by doing what their partner wants, while they are “resentful about doing it”. Resentment falls to shadow. The resentful person may say to themselves, “oh, it doesn’t matter that my partner is getting their way again, it’s no big deal”, (ego deflation) when in actuality, resentment grows into a big deal because their true feelings are denied. The result can often be passive-aggressive behavior. The other partner may think that there is nothing wrong with being persistent and that getting their way is a sign of strength (ego inflation). Oftentimes that ego inflation comes out of a profound fear and vulnerability. Most of the time, without realizing how they are complicit in the toxic environment of the relationship both parties continue to project their emotions out onto the other.
All we deny in ourselves—whatever we perceive as inferior, evil, or unacceptable—become part of the shadow.
Anything incompatible with our chosen conscious attitude about ourselves relegates to this dark side.
The personal shadow is the disowned self. This shadow self represents the parts of us we no longer claim to be our own, including inherent positive qualities.
These unexamined or disowned parts of our personality don’t go anywhere. Although we deny them in our attempt to cast them out, we don’t get rid of them.
We repress them; they are part of our unconscious. Think of the unconscious as everything we are not conscious of.
We can’t eliminate the shadow. It stays with us as our dark brother or sister. Trouble arises when we fail to see it. For then, to be sure, it is standing right behind us.
The outcome of examining oneself and facing what has happened in one’s life, however, gives a person freedom to create change and use the wealth of energy that was tied up in shadow.
Examples of Shadow Characteristics
This list only explores the dark side of the shadow, not the light side (where the positive repressed qualities of our nature are buried). Some overlap with each other and many are interconnected, meaning that it’s not uncommon to possess more than a number of different Shadows:
Shadow Self: Control freak
This person displays the following characteristics: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.
Root cause: basic mistrust of life, feelings of abandonment and “not being good enough”
Shadow Self: the exhausting cynic
This person displays the following characteristics: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.
Root cause: protection against feeling too vulnerable
Shadow Self: egotistical arsehole
This person displays the following characteristics: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.
Root cause: primal fear of “not being good enough”; not existing, being nobody
Shadow Self: Neurotic Nightmare
This person displays the following characteristics: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky, demanding, masochistic, compulsive behavior.
Root cause: fear of life, others, and self; desire to regain control
Shadow Self: shifty individual
This person displays the following characteristics: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.
Root cause: fear of life in general
Shadow Self:insecure introvert
This person displays the following characteristics: moody, melodramatic, manipulative, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.
Root cause: basic feeling of being “unlovable” and powerless; reaction to unresolved emotional pain
Shadow Self: Tough As Nails
This person displays the following characteristics: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.
Root cause: fear of others, mistrust of life, closed heart
Shadow Self: total intolerance
This person displays the following characteristics: uptight, intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.
Root cause: fear and rejection of the unknown.
Shadow Self: Nothing Matters
This person displays the following characteristics: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.
Root cause: buried grief, fear, and shame (numbness is a defense)
Shadow Self: sexual fiend
This person displays the following characteristics: sadistic, lustful, depraved, corrupt.
Root cause: repressed sexual energy, possible unresolved childhood wounds
Shadow Self: Carefree
This person displays the following characteristics: puerile, petty, immature, illogical, simpleminded, vacuous.
Root cause: refusal to grow up, lack of individuated ego
30-DAY RITUAL to work on your Shadow Self
I couldn’t think of a better title of the fly, so this will stick for now 🙂
My suggestion is to perform this exercise every day for a period of one month. It does not matter which day you begin this ritual, as you will be working through all of the moon phases over the next 30 to 31 days.
Keep the Ritual short and document your feelings and correspondences at the end of your ritual. The goal is to help to promote your psychological and spiritual well-being as you find balance in your magical life. On a direct note, you will never be successful in witchcraft or occultism if you do not have balance. Your fears will not allow you spiritually evolve and you will stay in the sea of needing approval.
On a deeper level, you will keep reincarnating until you have a spiritual awakening in this area.
IDEA – you may wish to have a pen and paper near to you, as some people find it helpful to write down their thoughts during this process.
- Position yourself in front of an image of the God or Goddess whom you wish to work with at this moment. If you would like to challenge yourself, choose a God or a goddess which you would normally never desire to work with in such a manner. Perhaps choose a characteristic of that God or goddess in which you personally desire to be more like in your own life. eg;
- Thoth was said to possess knowledge of magic and secrets unavailable to the other gods.
- Hecate (Hekate) is a goddess of Greek mythology capable of both good and evil. She was associated with witchcraft, magic, the Moon….
- Aphrodite is the ancient Greek goddess of love, beauty, pleasure, and procreation.
- Lucifer, bringing the truth from the darkness into the light.
- In front of the picture or statue, place a candle. It doesn’t matter which candle color you choose. Light the candle.
- Sit in silence for a few minutes just staring at the flame of the candle or at the statue while you regulate your breathing. You need to control your boredom, or the need to check your phone to tell other people that you are actually doing this exercise 🙂
- Don’t try and overthink what you were doing. Say a positive mantra such as “I am okay”. Saying something simple such as a statement that you are alive and able to sit in front of the candle at this moment in time is the truth. If you say other positive affirmations, these can be viewed by the subconscious as another phony attempt at self-delusion. You can repeat this over and over in your mind, until you believe that you are actually okay and give yourself logic as to why are you are okay at this point in time. A popular word for this is mindfulness, where are you are presently connecting to what you are doing in this very moment. (this is not casting a spell where you are stating the petition as a positive outcome).
- If you are completely new to this type of exercise, or if your mind is blank, you may wish to turn to the God or Goddess, and ask “What do you want me to know right now?
- Sometimes the answers won’t come to you right away, sometimes the answer is to sit in silence. However if you do feel a suggestion come into the back of your mind, write it down before you process it!
- When you are ready, allow yourself to think of all the qualities that you dislike in other people. Continue, and think about the qualities that you hate/dislike about yourself. It is often uncomfortable to come to terms with your disowned thoughts and feelings, and this is the reason why the ego invests so much of its time repressing these feelings and thoughts.
- As Jung is often quoted saying: Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
- It’s helpful to take five or ten minutes to reflect on your interactions with others and your related reactions. It will be very difficult to sit for 5 to 10 minutes in your own truth, allowing the unconscious and the subconscious to tackle the ego in real time!
- Focus on what and who evokes an emotional charge in you. It doesn’t matter what the emotion is; it’s a clue you are denying something within you.
- An example: say that you’re judging a friend for being lazy. Maybe they’re sitting around and not taking action and you can’t stand this type of behaviour in an individual. Think about a time in your life when you are lazy maybe it goes back into your childhood? Did you want to sit around on the couch and watch TV? Why was that? Someone else’s laziness wouldn’t bother you unless you’re repressing your own laziness. Once you see the laziness within, you’ll have less frustration with your friend.
- As Jung is often quoted saying:
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
- Challenge the side of your personality you believe is fabulous. Maybe other people have told you that you are a good person, a generous person, a loving person and so on. But you know that your thoughts and your actions don’t measure up to this description others have of you. This intensified the split between our conscious identity and our shadow.
- Make a list of all of your positive qualities. Then, highlight the opposite. Try to identify the opposite within yourself. For example, if you define yourself as a disciplined person, you’re repressing your lazy part. The lazy part is hiding in the shadow. The disowned is influencing your behavior and constantly challenging your disciplined part. So identify with this lazy part. See it. Accept it. Make friends with it. It’s okay to be lazy too.
- Engage in dialogue. Sometimes this is called talk therapy or Empty Chair Work, but in this example, you’ll be doing it with the God or your Goddess of choice. By dialoguing with the various parts of our shadow, we can integrate them into our conscious mind.
- Accept and re-integrate – this is becoming one with yourself or self integration. Be like the Baphomet!
- Take Notes: If you haven’t done so already you need to take notes right now before you begin on any other activity. Write them as you think them and do not edit your writing as you’re writing! This writing is for you and it’s important that you document your journey.
Relationship Shadow Work
The 3-2-1 Shadow Process
If you want a step-by-step method for working with your shadow, try the 3-2-1 Shadow Process developed by integral philosophy Ken Wilber in Integral Life Practice.
Here are the basic steps:
Step 1: Choose what you want to work with. It’s often easier to begin with a person with whom you have difficulty (e.g., partner, relative, boss).
This person may irritate, disturb, annoy, or upset you. Or maybe you feel attracted to, obsessed with, infatuated with, or possessive about this person.
Choose someone with whom you have a strong emotional charge, whether positive or negative.
Step 2: Face it: Now, imagine this person. Describe those qualities that most upset you, or the characteristics you are most attracted to using 3rd-person language (he, she, it).
Talk about them out loud or write it down in a journal. Express your feelings.
Don’t calculate say the right thing. There is no need to be nice. The person you are describing will never see this.
Step 3: Talk to it: Dialogue with this person in your imagination. Speak in the 2nd person to this person (using “you” language).
Talk directly to this person as if he or she was there. Tell them what bothers you about them.
Ask them questions such as:
- Why are you doing this to me?
- What do you want from me?
- What are you trying to show me?
- What do you have to teach me?
Imagine their response to these questions. Speak that imaginary response out loud. Record the conversation in your journal if you like.
Step 4: Be it: Become this person. Take on the qualities that either annoy or fascinate you.
Embody the traits you described in step 2. Use 1st-person language ( I, me, mine).
This may feel awkward, and it should. The traits you are taking on are the exact traits you have been denying in yourself.
Use statements such as:
- I am angry.
- I am jealous.
- I am radiant.
Fill in the blank with whatever qualities you are working with: “I am __________.”
Step 5: Notice these disowned qualities in yourself.
Experience the part of you that is this trait. Avoid making the process abstract or conceptual: just BE it.
Now you can re-own and integrate this quality in yourself.
Final Suggestion:
If you find shadow work too difficult to do by yourself, and you cannot afford to see a therapist, the next recommended action would be to try hypnotherapy. I personally recommend this website – Uncommon Knowledge, as it is operated by 4 hypnotherapists, who have treated over 5,000 patients in personal 1:1 therapy.
“Emotional problems work much more on the “feeling level” than the “thinking level” which is why just trying to think differently is so hard when trying to lift, for example, panic attacks or feelings of low self worth or phobias. We use hypnosis to help you feel different quickly which then makes you think differently about a situation. This is a much easier and more natural way of lifting problems. But we also understand that people are not just ‘hypnotic’ which is why our sessions also address thinking styles and how to change them and encourage healthy behaviour in the future.”
I have sent many of my patients to specific hypnotherapy recordings over the years and they have found hypnotherapy to be helpful. It’s kind of like guided meditation!
Recommended books on shadow work
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover. by Moore and Gillette.
Moore has outlined the structure of the psyche in archetypal terms. Moore suggests that the four primary archetypes of the psyche are the King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover. Each archetype possesses qualities we define as the best attributes of mature adulthood. But for each constructive archetype, there is a destructive shadow. And not just one shadow, but two: an active side and passive side (bipolar). For example, the shadows of the King is the Tyrant and the Weakling. The shadows of the Warrior are the Sadist and Masochist. Getting to know these bipolar shadows makes it easier to identify their thoughts and behavioral patterns within yourself.
How to be an Adult: A Handbook on Psychological and Spiritual Integration by David Richo
One of the most important books for every adult, regardless of their age. This little book is packed with concise psychological practices for working with negative emotions and growing into adulthood (which doesn’t happen on its own).
References:
https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self/
Read more about the Baphomet
