My Sleeping Mind

MY ANIMALS – STRATEGY I

Call it what you will, a meditation, a ritual, whatever. What I am going to do is to ask my sleeping mind for symbols that represent my emotions. Each one will have a name, and take a form. I will interact with these images provided by my sleeping mind to build up my relationship and understanding of my emotions. So here is what I am going to do.

Go to the darkness. Make my mind still. In my mind write a note on a piece of paper, writing down the name of an emotion. Ask the darkness to send me an animal that is that emotion. Remember, for the sleeping mind there is no “representing”. It IS the emotion made manifest. Then I will cast the note into the darkness. Wait quietly for an animal to appear. I will not force it. If nothing comes, then so be it. Eventually one will appear.

I should not place any expectations on appearance or form. If it is a pink armadillo with bunny ears then so be it. When an animal arrives, then I will ask what it’s name is. Just because I asked for one emotion doesn’t mean that that emotion is going to come on his own. Some send others in their stead. This often happens with frustration, who usually sends anger or rage in its place.

I will observe how the animal reacts, observe how they behave. I will try to come to know the nature of that given animal. Some may be loud and aggressive. Others timid and skittish. I will just observe them. This act is my acknowledging that they exist. Those who are loudest are usually the ones I have been denying the hardest.

My start is here. I will try to put together a menagerie of my own personal “emotional animals”, keeping a journal of what they look like, their behavior, their reactions to your actions. There is nothing to fear. The sleeping mind doesn’t want to hurt anyone. It will only do so if it left no other choice. First step is to observe! For now all that is needed is observation. Once they can be called and seen and interacted with the next step can be taken. I, as each who wishes to undertake this journey, becomes the “animal whisperer” of their own emotions.

For right now my job will simply be to request and accept whatever comes. Identify them and watch them.

I wish to point out (for those who will find the following strange if not alienating) that I will be asking my sleeping mind and speaking to it in it’s own language as it will do to me. The sleeping mind cannot be forced. What will happen will happen.

MY ANIMALS – THE GUARDIAN

A few minutes after sending off my note into the darkness, I saw the contour of what looked like a dog, marked out by a white light. This quickly disappeared just as it had appeared, followed by a blackness like the one which preceded it. Again after a few minutes I began to make out shadows without form which moved left and right.

Then with split second speed I was face to face with what appeared to be the head of a dog. Most notable being its fletching razor sharp needle like teeth framed by its retracted lips. Looking up I saw what seemed to be empty eye sockets. Like a hyena its head was out of proportion to the rest of its smaller body. Its rippling muscular power packed body was outlined by red and and yellow streaks in its fur running from head to tail.

It did not move but with its whole harmonious body seemed to be immovably fixed on me and everything I was about to do as if ready to pounce: its teeth were drawn ready for the “kill”; its empty eyes like black holes ready to swallow me whole; its body tensed like a well tuned machine ready to overwhelm me.

Then came an unexpected noise from pedestrians passing my window, which not only caught my attention but also caused the hyena to react in kind, snapping with its jaws in the direction of the window and that of my attention, standing between me and that distraction. Any thought on my part was also was met in kind with its respect inspiring snapping grimace, as if there were a no tolerance for interruptions. At that moment it seemed to be just it and me.

This picture and associated impressions followed me for the rest of the waking day.

MY ANIMALS – THE GUARDIAN II

This all has come to me as a bit of a surprise, a pleasant one but one nonetheless. I really get the feeling that I am getting somewhere. Like I said once before, who said that space is the last frontier?

Well, since then I have been spending some time on this, again for quite some time without any visible success. Only darkness! Until today. I took it upon myself to buy two pieces of meat and a fitting cake. One of each I ate just to make sure they were good. Then I spent some time alone. To begin with there were those moving shadows, then I saw just a hound’s head silhouette with light move from the right to the left. Then there was a period of darkness. I wrote the word guardian on that paper, threw it into the darkness, waited, placed those offerings on the floor and waited. Admittedly I caught myself calling for it, that I wanted to speak, asking for its name, demanding to speak.

Then something strange happened, the moving shadows I had before me turned completely black like the eye sockets I had looked into, my teeth began to ache and felt as if they were those very needle teeth i described before. I saw only the two offerings I had put down. I began to sniff them, enjoying their scent, running their taste through my mind, only with the meat did my teeth begin to drip with saliva. Opening my jaws did I bite into it, what happened then I do not remember.

Once more after a few tries I experienced my next encounter. My heart was pounding with a rapid regular beats, my mind swirling with various happenings of the day, images shooting past my minds eye. Then all of a sudden all was dead still. From one moment to the next no beat, no happenings, no images. Everything was pitch black. Like in the eye of the storm I made my move through that hole. Bundled with all my hopes, desires, and who I am I placed my offerings before me: left the cake, right the meat; knowing I was not a lone. Calling for the “zombie dog” on a written note which I threw into the darkness, I took a respectful step back and demanded its name. Its visage unclear in front of me, cocking its head sideways to the meat, it took the meat. In that moment I felt empty and numb inside, as if I were being devoured. Left with no feeling whatsoever.

It declared it is AEON, TIME, CRONUS. It stands between me and my past; it stands between me and who I am; it stands between me and who I am to be. I am to to tell you who it is. Various images past my minds eye which I cannot remember except a vastness filled with clouds and empty space. Placing another piece of meat at my feet it seemed to devour both cake and meat alike.

Waking up I came immediately here, feeling weak and somewhat dizzy.

MY ANIMALS – STRATEGY II

My plan is to continue and open my pandoras box. Take that road between myself and who I am. That road after Aeon, and with Aeon who I value as a good ally. Each time asking his admittance, getting to know him, making him more and more a conscious part of me, mastering him through decisiveness so that he learns to respect me. After all he is not only that wall which keeps me out from darkness but protects me from it. So yes being kind to myself is important but taking action I deem appropriate at the given time (as in the insistence of Aeon`s name) is too. Another ball game altogether are those repressed emotions, I will let them speak to me one after the other as they decide to and point me in the right way wherever that may be. To continue to listen and test what you say by doing. I will continue as I have done and from where I left off.

Which leads back to the question “What is darkness?”

MY ANIMALS – JEALOUSY

After being allowed entrance by Aeon I brought and threw my note with JEALOUSY, threw it into the darkness, and while waiting asked for an animal to show itself. It didn’t take long for what looked like the darker shade of a snake approach me head on out of the darkness and circle me a few times with its long thick body. It was long and thick enough to easily swallow me. Stopping with its head in front of me it erected itself, and opening its mouth looked like it was about to swallow me but after just covering my head with its mouth it retracted itself. Circling me it took a look side on at me with one of its luminescent blue eyes. Once again it erected itself (blue underbelly and green top) unfolded its sides resembling a cobra, and in one lightning move swallowed me whole. Once on its insides I found myself to be in what I could see to be a winding road, which I followed. Coming to its end the snake spat me out at a place which seemed to be deeper, darker, and further away than where I was before. The snake was no longer there.

MY ANIMALS -STRATEGY III

The last two days I have been feeling quite ill, which has if anything served as a break from my journey. My swollen glands disabled my speech and the ability to swallow, fever has weakened me to a point that I had to accept anything which came my way, I lost my sense of taste for food which made me choose that which was necessary rather than that which I liked. This all made me think about my work strategy with my emotions in my darkness. Forcing them in anyway will only put them further into darkness, making them to my own creation an extension of my consciousness and build another wall. Like you pointed out emotions are another ball game. I will let myself go and my drive for control, interact with spontaneity, learn by listening and asking. Try and understand what they all have to say about darkness and my part in this.

A relevant and probably true explanation. Yes my immune system seems to be rock bottom at the moment. My main and initial illness was glandular fever, now I have the viral flu infection and I`ve also noticed my skin is opening up into sores at places. It does seem to be quite a coincidence. What is also more interesting is that I have been notably ill (missing work) since 4 years now.

If this is the reason then it is really time that this should happen. It does make me wonder what is still waiting for me and I may stumble upon. As to my celebrating it, yes strangely enough I do feel good about it. I hated going to doctors, being ill, being dependent and admitting weakness. Now I feel I am enjoying a good quality glass of single malt.

When I’m confronted in my nursing career with the symptoms of others, we as a team try to interpret or deduce where they are coming from and what they are trying to say. I am convinced that illness just don’t pop up randomly but particular ones appear for particular reasons as if they were speaking a language. I have been wondering what my ailments may be trying to tell me (through their very nature, their intensity, their time of appearance, where they appear, how long they last… ) despite their being a result of released pressure

MY ANIMALS – JEALOUSY II

The cobra in my second meeting was more direct in its arrival, but remained unapproachable. When I tried to touch it moved back changing to the colour red. Moving back it changed first of all to yellow and then its original blue/green shading.

It was very open to talking though. “I am the King Cobra. The one who devours that which separates me from who I am. I am the path which can lead you to who you are, what you desire to be and cherish.”

MY ANIMALS – ANGER

Today I took my note with Anger written on it. Contrary to the times before I asked for Aeon, holding my offerings, inquiring as to passage to my emotions. No problem! No sooner had I passed than appeared the King Cobra, who without further a word took me to that darker place beyond. (What I did notice this time is that the King Cobra has two heads: one to swallow me; the other to spit me out). Everything that was said in mere presence and gestures made words superfluous.

I threw my note and waited and waited. Yet only darkness. Although I could sense a presence. This held for a while, until I decided to take the initiative and walked in the direction of that presence. It didn’t take long to find. It was large, black, hairy, muscular, hunched forward, sitting on the floor with its back to me. From what I could make out it was a monkey of sorts. Reaching out with my hand I dared to stroke it making my intentions clear and who I am. At this it slowly turned and looked at me with glowing red eyes. It was clear that this animal was a Gorilla. Unlike the King Cobra and Aeon, understanding came not through the spoken word but what I understood in his eyes.

Very sad in aspect he made it clear that he is the one who is both socially and personally shunned (a source of embarrassment) but nevertheless is called upon at times when it is convenient. Unlike Aeon and King Cobra, he has no directive. A purpose without a cause. Like an animal in a circus act he diverts the attention of onlookers away from that which should not be seen. He takes the pain of the moment of time, only to retire and lick his wounds. Standing upright on his stocky hind legs, awesome in stature, beating his chest like echoing drums, his eyes turned into empty bottomless white lights, without expression. Sitting down again, he pointed out with his red eyes that impression was everything. “Who am I? Who are you?” he added.

MY ANIMALS – FEAR

Once again I was met by my “friends” but in a way unlike any time I experienced before. Aeon let me embrace him in my arms, shoulder on shoulder, enjoying the moment; turning together we were met by King Cobra in no time, mouth wide open he swallowed me with the utmost of care from below (feet first) taking a position which demonstrated great personal vulnerability; stepping out, and not being spat out I saw Gorilla immediately, who stood to greet me with those white eyes of his and a loud bellow out of that voluminous chest of his, took me by the hand and led me to another part of the darkness. After his taking a step back but never leaving my side (and although I could not see the others I noticed their presence) I threw my paper with Fear, respectfully asking for audience by an animal representative.

A formless light shimmer, moving from left to right and vice versa, growing smaller and larger, swayed above my head. Just when I thought able to grasp it it changed or moved. Until many legs, then a body, a head, eyes, and finally a black colouring materialised. From what I could make out it was a Black Widow spider, but just as I identified it and grasped for it, it disappeared only to be then clasped by eight large powerful black shiny legs. Looking at them they disappeared, only to find myself reflected in one of its larger than life eyes. Just when I thought I had assessed the situation it too had disappeared. Intangible was this “game” of form and formlessness, idea and no idea, etc. It escalated at such a rate that I find it difficult to put into words. And before I could collect myself I was faced by an intricate larger than life web which barred any way of passage. A product of our experience together. But only she the Black Widow could open it and only I could step through. When I stood still the Black Widow sat still on the web, when I moved she moved to meet me at the web, when I stretched out a leg she made an opening in the web with her legs.

MY ANIMALS – HATE

After being allowed passage I had to pass the spider web alone. So decided the Black Widow. And though the web was just as any other, a wall intermeshed with loose hanging threads, the darkness I met on the other side was a stark contrast of an intensity unlike any other I met so far. Like after having an anaesthetic before an operation. A lifeless deafening numbness out of which what seemed to appear a raven tore my “hate” note right out of my hand, took to flight over my head, landing in front of me, cowered in what seemed to be a ball with its back to me. Calling to it, I reached out only to be painfully packed on the hand. Holding my bleeding hand I could see its face. I was shocked and intrigued by its almost human features. Its eyes were human, whose sharp stare was underlined by the smile of its pointed beak aligned with white human teeth. My question as to who or what it was it answered in a clear human voice with the words that it was what others had made it to be and what I allowed it not to be. It held its distance and made no further comment. The intensity of everything (the darkness, the silence, my solitude, its stance, its stare, the pain in my hand) were unmistakable.

As I asked the Black Widow for passage, a section of web was opened to me, and I was about to step through I noticed two of its spindly legs reaching down to me. Although they did not hinder me on my passage they readied me in a state of alertness which I carried with me onto the other side.

And once again I was confronted by the cold intensity of the Raven I had met the other day. I asked it why it was here, to which it replied “for the same reason you are here!” “I am what is human with a human face! You are the human face with what is human in you! I am beyond understanding and easy to grasp!” We are not alone here…

MY ANIMALS – LOVE

…no sooner said than done I first heard then felt a cold breeze coming my direction. Beginning to turn on its own axis like a miniature tornado it tore my note with love written on it out of my hand. This almost physical coldness, in contrast to the sense of coldness I experienced with Raven, chilled me to the bone making me freeze like a statue. And in stark contrast to the cold darkness around me appeared a brilliant white cuddly Polar Bear with large deep set bottomless black eyes. Heavy set in its walk it almost gave the impression of being extremely clumsy. It see-sawed from left to right, shaking its head from left to right, its fatty skin vibrating in unison with the ground shaking thumps as its feet hit the ground. It didn’t seem to look at me in particular, it didn’t seem to move to me in particular, but with every step it came ever closer. Without any apparent intention it opened its mouth and roared; without any apparent intention it pawed at thin air; without any apparent intention it bit me in the neck and hit me with its paw. The next moment I felt is warm support as it leaned with it thick mane against my side.

“I am not what I seem to be. I am everything and nothing. Ever taking, giving what wants to be taken! The pain doesn’t let me forget.”

MY ANIMALS – INTERIM REPORT

Before continuing on my reflections and running the risk of knocking up a meaningless list of dissociated emotions I just wanted to get clear in my mind as to what has happened so far and where I seem to be going.

Up until now I chose those emotions which have left some kind of lasting mark on my life in one way or the other or with which I have had intensive unforgettable experiences with. Curiosity got the better of me. And even though I have followed them up at random it has become increasingly more apparent to me that these emotions have managed to build up a harmonic functioning unit or are beginning to make sense at least as far as my conscious mind is concerned. Each emotion seems to be inseparably connected with the other, and I am convinced that no matter which emotions I would have tackled first this result would have been the same. This is not surprising considering that my person is the common denominator to all of this.

Clear is that each of these emotions are very different to each other, each with a distinct personality but each seems to be inseparably bonded to the other in my person. And like with any other person we meet in life time is also needed to build up a working relationship with these. This is not as easy as it may seem since there is alot which has already happened between us much not having been positive. Each emotion proved to be the key to the next whose help seemed to be indispensable to get to know the next. It is as if though my ignorance to and my suppression of my own emotions plus their reciprocal aversion constituted the darkness within me. My attempts to get to know them has brought a light into my situation.

MY ANIMALS – RAGE

This was not the first attempt to call on an animal to speak for Rage. I called on it from the depths where both the Raven and Polar Bear were to be found. After giving up my note and calling, I was met by a succession of heavy thuds like drums followed by stumpy legs. It felt as if though the ground would vibrate in unison with each step taken. As these legs drew closer the rest of it became visible revealing it to be an impressive Bull Elephant. Before I could make a move or say anything it sounded out a trumpet like noise, which numbed any thought I might have had. In a threatening manner it whisked its great white tusks in my direction. As soon as I wanted to speak it quietened me with that same noise. I had no other choice but just to watch.

On a closer look I noticed its skin was marked with strong sharp hairs, which when i reached out to touch pierced my skin like sharp needles. These hairs concentrated themselves on its back giving it a black appearance. Its head was red. I also noticed on its back left leg a sizeable bloody cut which when I touched instilled a mass of familiar painful memories. I had a feeling that its stature, its impressiveness was a response to that pain.

Lowering itself it let me mount its back. At that moment everything seemed to get larger, the Bull Elephant, me, my feeling… .Respectful all the other animals just quietly stood aside and watched. Bull Elephant had the main word. It then moved on to where I recognised was Aeon, it took me out of darkness. Shrinking in size to such an extent i found myself back on my feet where I began my journey. Bull Elephant disappeared just as he came.

MY ANIMALS – RAGE II

My treatment of the wound. Interesting idea! Equipped with a Camomile herbal healing cream and bandages I was surprised by being allowed to tend to his wound (which stretched more or less the length of its left back leg). Carefully I applied the cream into the wound (which judging from the heat being eliminated from it seemed to be infected) and secured it with the bandage. The whole time Bull Elephant kept a careful eye on me. What I did notice while treating the wound was that the Bull Elephant was beginning to lose its defining features: less big, more blurred, less of an elephant. Most surprising however was that it began to cry. As soon as I was finished, blood began to seep through the bandage, the cream and bandage began to disappear, and the Bull elephant began to regain its aspect. Looking into his left eye I began to understand in his knowing look that he was what he was because of that wound. To take away that wound would be to take away his identity: his power; majestic stature; his ferocity; his aspect; his identity. His letting me tend to the wound showed me how he wanted me to understand this. His pain was a source of strength contrary to logic.

MY ANIMALS – RAGE III

Could it be that perhaps he is afraid of change … as much as I am? Perhaps he shows what he knows because he knows no different.

This is communication with the sleeping mind. I have been shown a path. I can treat a wound … which will take time and many tries … or I can let my rage continue as it is. This act of mine is true communication with the sleeping mind. Not word but deed. And yes, Rage will change, but that is the nature of the animals. Is this it’s true form or what it has become? Only experimentation will know.

Did rage show me to teach myself? Or did I see things as they were, and feel that even the greatest of monsters fears change.

Things to consider. This is the first real step I have taken to join and work with your emotions. They change as I do. Treating the wound tells the sleeping mind that these pains are okay to let go of. It doesn’t do so easily. This was excellent communication, and communication the sleeping mind understands.

I should not be in such a hurry to accept things as unchangeable. Remember, I am here because I am NOT satisfied with things as they are. This means some things are going to change.

As the wound faded so did the form of Rage. When the wound returned so did the form. This provides an interesting observation. When the wounds come, the form (a war form) manifests. This currently exists because of the old wounds. There will be new wounds that will come as well. That is life. When the new wounds come, so will the strength of Rage return.

The question is do I want to hold on to the old wounds to maintain the war form? Should Rage have such a majestic form all the time? If so then I will have to maintain it. I will have to feed and tend to it. This will take energy that could be spent on other things.

Also, a thought that occured to me for consideration. Imagine this form as a living creature in your life. Where would you keep it? I certainly can not keep it in the living room. I would need to stable it somewhere. Likewise, such a creature would be dangerous to keep around all the time. I would need to be careful to not let family, patients, friends get near for they may get hurt. Though looking at it this way may be odd, it shows what affect these animals have in our daily lives.

Should Rage be in this war from all the time?

I am very lucky. I have been given a symbol from the sleeping mind in the form of this wound. I am shown the old pain that I am holding on to and keeping alive. This is an opportunity for healing if I choose to take it.

It is okay to let go of past wounds. There will be more. Do I really want to keep carrying it around? Rage cries while the healing is happening. We don’t like to get rid of our pain. We love our pain. I don’t pretend to know why, but we hold grudges, and hatred. Rage may have been crying for his loss, but our emotions are animals. They don’t understand the bigger picture. This is where we bring mind and emotion together. I will give Rage my love, but giving it all it wants may not be wise. My Rage is never sated.

MY ANIMALS – INTERIM REPORT II

Am I afraid of change just as my Bull Elephant may be? Yes, would probably be the most honest of answers, but certainly not because I am afraid of change or of new things. I feel I`ve been through quite a bit in my life and survived. I feel as if it were not for those experiences, their resulting wounds and that Bull Elephant I would not be where I am today. So why should I change something which has served me well and for which I`ve had to pay a high price for? When I look back on my life I do see how he has been ever present, giving me that necessary kick to assert myself but also hurting many people including myself in the process. Time has showed my conscious mind how to control it. Although as you have also suggested it has taken a lot of energy to do that. Now although all of this may be true I cannot deny the possibility that the new or change may hold greater things for me, and that my holding on to what I have may be holding me back in my development. I honestly don’t know! And now that I have been acquainted more and more with my sleeping mind I am becoming less and less convinced that this is a matter for my conscious mind to decide. Like you said Miles maybe I should try to continue to treat that wound and let the outcome decide for the both of us. I cannot deny my fear that if I do treat it I will become weak and vulnerable. One thing for sure this is not as easy as I thought nor as it may seem from a back seat readers point of view. Sometimes it feels like I’m drained and haven’t got control of anything.

As to Bull Elephant, I think he was prepared to sacrifice himself and taught me the secret of his power and revealed at the same time the source of his weakness. I am sure he was prepared to take on the possibility that my attempt of healing him would work. Just as I am sure that that which would work for him would also work for me. To add another thought maybe a possible healing depends more than just wanting to, may be it also depends on how, knowing what medicine to use in treating that wound? One thing is for sure, this is the first time that I feel I had a fuller interaction with one of my animals, and am more than just an observer. This has been on my mind for a while since I am beginning to treat my animals a bit for granted. There seems to be no active rapport to build a relationship on. It seems as if though each animal has had their part to play and is a welcome sight but nothing more. Not so with the Bull Elephant. He seems to be more familiar, interactive as well as have even instilled the respect of all the other animals. But who knows.

MY ANIMALS – JOY

As soon as I passed my guardian Aeon, dressed in my ornamented Robe, I was met by Jealousy (King Cobra). I knew he wanted to devour and send me on my journey, but decided after courteously greeting him to take another path.

Contrary to the beginning of my journey I do share a decidedly greater familiarity with my sleeping mind; I have more experience of my sleeping mind; and feel a greater but not overbearing self confidence in this world. Hence the reason for me wearing my robe, and my desire to take more of an initiative. I feel my sleeping mind to be almost second nature . I could not imagine being without my friends, just as I could not imagine being with them at the beginning. I have also noticed how issues some which were previously of central importance to me are no longer so. For example religion institution: I see it more and more as an amputated world orbiting the individual, living for its appearances, based on universal standards. Religion is giving me a decidedly anti-individual feeling.

Once more alone I threw my note of Joy into the darkness. Looking expectantly into that darkness the note hit me square between the eyes followed by an almost cheeky squeaky giggle. I could only wince and close my eyes as something soft and bushy stroked me out of the blue in my face. What it was i could not see, because no sooner had it happened then it was gone. With a thud something landed on my head and pressed my hood gently onto my skull. Not moving I waited and came face to face with what appeared to be a long eared Brown Squirrel stretching over my forehead. Eye to eye it let out a giggle and jumped to the ground in front of me. Jumping backwards and forwards it seemed to collect what appeared to be nuts and build a small mound. With its long pointed ears, tiny legs, bushy tail, and white breast it seemed to point at the mound and want me to partake. I obliged and ate two, the rest it took and shot off to what appeared to be a cage. Once it entered the cage it closed, I was not able to get through, nor could I see it any more.

MY ANIMALS – HAPPINESS

As I looked into the darkness I noticed how it extended into two leathery black wings, converging on to a small point at their centre. The centre constituted itself of a face and smiling mouth whose appearances were both empty and white in colour. I almost felt like I was looking down a tunnel.

As soon as this was apparent both the “tunnel” and its “end” converged on me, wanking over my head, rufling my cloak, brushing my cheeks with a light breeze, drawing my attention to its erratic flattering. There was just it and me. Its tiredness was noticeable with its increasingly slower movements and growing lack of coordination (every so often it would dive onto the floor). Feeling sorry for it and recognising it for what it was, a bat, I knew it needed something to hang from and rest. It accepted my offer of rest and hung from the sleeve of my cloak. Still jittering, and sounding out what seemed to be a purr, it looked at me with those empty eyes which all of a sudden took on the colour of yellow with defined pupils. Not only that but its once empty white mouth filled with yellow teeth. The same happened when it began to habitually circle the floor, and I gave it some dried fruits. And yet again when it finally crashed the floor and began to shake with its whole body and I stroked and warmed it in the folds of my cloak. I must admit that during those moments it put a smile on my lips, a moment to savour. These moments were short lived however, and no sooner had it got what it wanted then it flew off.

Sometimes “happiness” for example comes to you, and sometimes you need to look. Like fleeting moments good experiences can change the world as I see it and grant me a glimpse of that universal joy. It can let me forget for one moment but in its stark contrast can let me fall and feel my loneliness, hunger, coldness, weariness in the next. Happiness is a gift which we can receive as well as give. It is not something we own or can keep. Happiness helps me to appreciate the moment and a great motivation to look for more. The Bat looked for those precious jewels in the night, and taught me how to appreciate the small things in life, taking them as they come.

MY ANIMALS – PRIDE

Out of the darkness came a light. Majestically and without any apparent effort glided a Golden Eagle, to me, over me and around me. Perching on the Squirrel cage I could contemplate it full prowess. Proud it stood my height, resting on talons like finely tuned daggers which would make any man with any sense think twice. Vested in golden feathers and a tail of feathers which sounded and shone like a warm campfire, it caught me with its mirror like eyes. As sharp as its razor like beak its eyes were fixed upon me, and I could see myself clearly in them. With lightning speed it lunged forward and ripped my still beating heart out of my breast, and devoured it. Slowly I began to feel every feather, every talon, every part of its body. I saw myself 1.76 metres in an ornamental robe with all it richness of history, experiences, gifts and life. Taking off, it, flew to a myriad of opened doors. I chose one.

My life has borne witness to my imprisonment with a lack of pride and great possibilities with it. In my work here with my animals and sleeping mind I have noticed how my pride in myself has grown manifold. Not only have my views changed but my aspect as a person to myself as well as to others. Pride as this animal showed me is certainly an important key. A source of strength maybe even more so than the brute strength of Rage.

MY ANIMALS – PLEASURE

I was hailed out of the darkness with an all too familiar miao, and greeted with two “car headlight” like yellow eyes and two cute ears. Running in my direction was a grey and white Cat, very much like the cat I once had before it decided to die alone in the Black Forest. Instinctively I stepped forward and greet it, but as I was about to cross its path it turned to the colour black, its eyes a more intensive yellow. I stopped. It turned back to its original colour; continued its approach; jumped digging it claws into my arms; with a start I hurled the feline far away; it girated its body heading feet first earthward. It came back again, did the same thing, I did the same thing, and it came back for more. Untillll… it moved to a corner next to the cage, curled up, changed to a fiery red and stared at me with a Garfield like smile. I called to it, which made it eventually get up, but not for my benefit, it was occupied with something else in a corner. A mouse!!!! Playfully the Cat sent the mouse back and forth… until a crushing paw skewed it with its claws. Turning black the cat brought its offering and laid it before my feet. Gratefully and respectfully I accepted and took this gift. As if on cue it took its place on my side and for the time I was there never left it.

MY ANIMALS – FRIENDLINESS

As lonely as a cloud, and just as light floated an arrow headed Skala fish head on. With ease it navigated the waters of darkness in my direction until we came face to face. Nothing unusual in its white and yellow and black spotted appearance. While its eyes remained fixed on me it continued its observation by swimming up and down, inspecting every square inch of my body. Like lightning it shot to my left, a black mark like an inclined eyebrow gave it a menacing appearance. Then it shot to my right, without any black marks, it gave a reassuring appearance. As it slowly circled me I noticed on a closer look how large and heavy were its scales, almost like a wall making it impenetrable from without. Offering it some bread, it came and took willingly, bowing in apparent recognition. When it had its fill it went its way.

MY ANIMALS – DUTY

Thunderous hooves hailed the arrival of what looked like a pedigree brown Stallion horse. With a single intent it versed its way to me, growing in size, and finally towering a few heads over the mine. Not flinching, I stood my ground in trust. Doubling its height it raised itself on its hind legs, flaunting its front pair it knocked me flat on my back and continued to push me with its iron hooves. Again and again. And if that was not enough it lunged forward with its head biting me right in the chest with its powerful jaws. Any attempt to defend myself was thwarted by each of my four limbs being pinned down to the floor. All I could do was look in pain. I saw four heads: one black, heavy set and bigger than the rest; the second the fine Brown one I saw at first; the third a gray, old and worn head; the fourth an almost human one, white and human eyes. Each reacted differently in movement and aspect:

1. Aggressive, heavy set movements.

2. Fine, elegant, and quick movements.

3. Slow, tired and almost sad.

4. Still, watch full, no movement.

As I tried to speak to them were these traits more evident. Also I noticed that the hooves of the horse had notable bushes of hair like the Yorkshire labour horses.

The sense of DUTY is a powerful one in my life, right from the time I left my home, and is justified in its representation by the animal a STALLION which is known for its hard work. Duty is not without its sacrifice, to my person and my life. It is sometimes so overwhelming that I often find no time for anything else. And it hurts. It hurts because there is so much in life which needs to be done or there are so many desires thirsting to be satiated. Notable are the four heads, or as I see them four major areas of DUTY in my life: duty to my work (black)- predominant; duty to my family (brown)- a dream come true; duty to my spirituality (gray)- insatiable yet to be found; duty to myself (white)- unanswered.

MY ANIMALS – ACCOMPLISHMENT

Prompt an Ant the size of a large dog brought back my Accomplishment note out of the darkness holding it in its mandibles. With swift erratic movements it clicked with its six legs in my direction. It didn’t seem to take much notice of me but was more caught up with the paper note. To my astonishment it began to make a paper airplane out of it. Crude and simple it threw the plane in my direction, only to see it mercilessly crashed head on to the floor. Picking it it refined the construction by adding a tail, bending the wing tips. The paper plane`s flight steadily improved, but the Ant never seemed to be satisfied, always adding more and more, and the more this went on the more hectic it became. Fascinated by the Ant`s dextrosity I was tempted to reach out and touch it`s exoskeleton. To my surprise I could feel neither cold nor warmth nor it`s surface my hand just slid off it. When I looked into its eyes I saw an immeasurable depth of darkness filled with small light points, looking closer I recognised planets, stars, galaxies, a universe. The more I looked the more I entered that place. It seemed everything was possible, and the more I did the greater I became and the more I could do. I built a table, and felt I could build a room. I built a room and felt I could build a house etc. Everything perfect in dimensions, design and aspect. Looking through the eyes of Ant I saw it struggling with gravity resources, imperfections, yet with the same resolve and fervour I built my house. The more obstacles it met the more motivated it became to achieve that perfect plane, just as the more I achieved the more it motivated me. One we faced each other again we understood each other in what we could achieve. After a friendship hug (I could feel it now) we parted our ways.

Achievement is clearly which I cannot be understand but which I can experience in me and in the challenges life puts in my way. Achievement like something organic is something which grows and changes. Achievement is more than just acceptance, it is a key to open my eyes. It is a life feeling. 

LI MY ANIMALS – SATISFACTION

After considerable time of nothingness, surfaced from a water of darkness two ears then two gleaming black eyes (cute in aspect), then two nostrils which ejected a fountain of darkness. Enjoying the view and whole body immersion in watery darkness the Hippopotamus just watched. Then all of a sudden his eyes turned a fiery red and burned with the same intent as its approach. Opening its clam like mouth it sank its tusks into my torso. Like a doll it shook me here and there. I was helpless. In a last attempt I ejected the questions “Why? What can I do? Is there anything I can do or offer?” It stopped and I offered all I had at that moment, my Robe with the golden symbols. It opened its mouth, I laid it before its feet, its eyes turned black once again. To my surprise it gave me my robe back again, just as it had my life. Once again it immersed itself beyond sight.

Satisfaction is for me a multi faceted emotion. The Hippopotamus showed me four of them: one of passive enjoyment; two, of active action; three of sacrifice; four of atonement. And although it shows itself in many sometimes apparently contradictory ways the remain the one same emotion Satisfaction. So it all comes down to how I feel with myself.

VALUES – LIST

Below is a list of values. I will break them up into four categories: Always Valued, Often Valued, Sometimes Valued, Never Valued. I will try not to get too hung up on what the words mean by dictionary definition. It is more meaningful if I go with my understanding of the words. This is by no means an all inclusive list.

The List:

adventure \meaning \artistic expression \time freedom \diversity \moderation \faith \beauty \integrity \respect \creativity \cooperation \authority \responsibility \accomplishment \health \friendship \high earnings \justice \leadership \loyalty \harmony \love \family \risk-taking \honesty \trust \service \recognition \self-discipline \affiliation \community \influence \status \humility \balance \nature \autonomy \duty \obligation \competition \teamwork \predictability \stability \control \self-restraint \structure \learning \helpful \independence \wisdom \competence \curiosity \pleasure \contribution \challenge \knowledge \fun \variety \spirituality’           

VALUES – RELEVANCES TO MY LIFE

After some thought I have decided to first categorise the given values with a few of my own. So that I don’t make things unnecessarily complicated for myself, or let my conscious mind take the upper hand, or try to make some kind of made up impression I decided to let my gut feeling choose without too much thought.

ALWAYS VALUED – meaning – respect – integrity – creativity – responsibility – accomplishment – justice – leadership – loyalty – love – family – trust – service – self discipline – influence – nature – autonomy – duty – competition – learning – wisdom – challenge – spirituality – honour – punctuality – courage

OFTEN VALUED – diversity – cooperation – authority – harmony – honesty – stability – control – self restraint – structure – helpful – independence – competence – curiosity – knowledge – variety – spontaneity – politeness – security

SOMETIMES VALUED – artistic expression – health – faith – risk taking – recognition – humility – balance – pleasure – contribution – fun – humour

NEVER VALUED – time freedom – moderation – high earnings – community – status – teamwork – predictability

VALUES – SIX MOST VALUED

– family – learning – challenge – self discipline – loyalty – creativity – responsibility – spirituality – autonomy – influence – courage – accomplishment – meaning – nature – competition – trust

I then considered which of these acted as a constant theme throughout my daily life, and which summarized other values in their meaning…

– family – self discipline – autonomy – challenge – accomplishment – learning

…I came up with these six. These summarize quite well what is important to me, and their order reflects basically the way things run in my life whether in its shorter moments or as a whole.

VALUES – WHAT THOSE SIX VALUES MEAN TO MY WAKING MIND

family …is a base which touches every part of my life in one way or another. My family motivates me be it in my working life, my social life, my spiritual life, my intellectual life, my Jedi life, my hopes, my dreams etc in such a unique way that I know I am not wasting any of my time. It gives me a reason to life and to die for. The love I experience in the comfort of its familiar arms, the painful jabs I suffer in pointed conflicts with those who are closest to me, the emptiness I am left standing with after having been drained by seemingly endless demands from those who are dependent on me make me feel human, a part of the human race, a man. Whatever I do with my wife is bound in the person of our child, our future, our bid for immortality. Anyone standing in my family’s way inadvertently stands in my way and vice versa. The stronger I am the stronger my family is, the stronger my family is the stronger I become, and the stronger we as family are the more free we become from the chains of society.

self discipline …is a useful tool which helps me to get anything done no matter what. It makes any intention I may have more than just a dream, hope or vision, it makes them become real. It is a useful weapon against the seductions of lethargy, the death of ignorance and the paralysation of doubt. It is a powerful ally which compliments my passions and any future plans I may have. Like a muscle be it the biceps in my arms, my heart or my brain for that matter, the less I burden, shun or use my self discipline the weaker it generally becomes. Success is encouraging, failure is a reason to take a rest and try again. Like the word suggests, self discipline is about knowing my”self”. It is about knowing where I am at the moment, as opposed to where I would like to be. It is about saying “no” to where I am and “yes” to where I would like to be. It is about leaving the land of dreams paved with good intentions, and entering the mountain lands of hard facts through good hard climbing.

autonomy…to decide what I do, when I do it and how I do it has always been of central importance ever since I can remember. As soon as I feel constrained in a “box” in any way I look for the best exit of escape. Unfortunately I do realise that in our global society does not allow for such luxury. The one real danger of autonomy I had to learn the hard way is when it turns to rebellion against the environment. Too often did I find myself either locked away in the ego of my own head or dominated by raveging emotions. Either way the value of autonomy in being myself is lost. Real autonomy is about personal authenticity, acting out of the need of the moment.

challenge…is present in all aspects of my everyday life and is a source of great personal inspiration. Although not always possible I try to keep an open mind for personal change. After all life is there for living and not just surviving or existing. When I meet each day as it comes with my personal answer, I risk less the chance of being dragged down by looking for answers from my environment which I don’t want or expect. The most difficult thing about being personally challenged is that I begin to see more and more the naked truth of who I am instead of who I would like to be. That is why I find that a deeper personal gratitude for what I experience makes life and what I see in myself more bearable. There is a lot of truth in the adage “practise makes the master!”

accomplishment…gives me a good feeling that I am getting somewhere. Don`t get me wrong it doesn’t always mean enjoying the benefits of a comfortable bed of roses, sometimes accomplishment can be something I did not expect or is uncomfortable to say the least. Achievement is the most effective proof of method, strategy and skill. Even if its relevance proves itself only important one time it opens a door, gives me the necessary confidence to take another step. Accomplishment can sharpen my skills, but I have found that more important than that is it broadens my attitude which helps more than anything else in getting other things done. It helps towards that greatly sought after happiness that we are basically all looking for. Accomplishment is the response to my claim on life.

learning…has a bigger impact on my life than is apparent on face value. It affects my work, social status, personal credibility and yes even my relationships. Learning empowers me with the necessary knowledge to form my life as I feel fit. It separates me from the childhood indoctrination by my parents, teachers, religious leaders etc and carries me onto a new level of independence or adulthood. Learning or accumulating knowledge helps me in my pursuit of ideals. It is the mantra for my conscious mind if you will.

VALUES – WHAT THOSE SIX VALUES MEAN TO MY SLEEPING MIND

family …After communicating and asking Aeon for passage I decided to present my golden platter with a photo of my family and a golden marriage ring. I then called on all animals known and unknown to celebrate what is important to me. I could feel their presence but not see their form. All of a sudden Raven (Hate) flew at me picking up my family photo in its beak and landed on the back of Bull Elephant (Rage) who rushed out at the same time. Whilst Raven held the photo possessively Black Widow (Fear) spun its web like a house around both of them. During all of this Polar Bear (Love) took the ring (which increased in size) and after putting it around its neck laid to rest below Bull Elephants belly. When Black Widow was finished with her house she left an opening which seemed to be guarded by King Cobra (Jealousy).

When I tried to approach this congregation all of them jumped and sounded their shouts in unison with Gorilla (Anger). I could not approach these artifacts and not for one moment were they prepared to let them be taken. I was pleasantly surprised and felt a deep sense of security, caring, possessiveness (jealously guarded), protectiveness (aggressive protection), unification (unification of purpose).

self discipline …After long consideration as to what would be an appropriate symbol for my self discipline I remembered the innumerable times in my past when I focused on a candle and experienced enhanced concentration, meditation, reflection, inner peace and a clear mind. As in my previous proforma experience I placed a lit candle in a golden bowl on the floor in front of me. Recited what this candle meant to me, self discipline, and invited all animals known and unknown to come and accept my gift.

The flame of the candle drew a small circle of light around itself. I could not see the animals but sensed how they likewise drew themselves into a dark invisible circle just beyond that luminescent circle. For some moments both circles faced each other without crossing the thin line drawn between them. I myself felt a throbbing pain in my shoulder followed up by a throbbing pain in my head. An unmistakable coldness run through my body.

Breaking the circle the animals drew another new circle around my person, faced inward with me at their centre. Looking around each seemed to reflect my face in a different way, in a different light, like mirrors. It felt like the light of the facial images around me were, contrary to the candle (outwards), emitting light to their centre (me). Then in unison all the animals turned to the candle and blew it out. I was left alone in a multitude of myself. The candle was gone and I left empty handed, only to be met by a consoling and surprisingly understanding Aeon.

autonomy …After following my ritual of entrance I presented a blank sheet of paper and a exclusive black ink pen (as a symbol of my autonomy to decide what happens next in my life) on a golden platter. For some reason I cannot explain I was dressed in a dark brown robe which reached down to the floor and was hooded. Soon, one after the other my animals congregated around the platter, moving around it clockwise. After a slow start they moved increasingly faster, until their forms became blurred, and finally they made up what was to become a tornado. The turbulence of the storm I faced subsided giving way to a hooded figure, an exact copy of myself. Face to face we stood opposite each other with the golden platter between us.

The figure reached out with its right arm (that of the Polar bear) and took the pen, with its left arm (that of the Raven) it took the paper. It began to write. Moving forward I looked but could not make out what it was writing, but what I did notice was that at the end of each paragraph the form of the arm changed to that of another animal and when it did the paragraph which was written disappeared. It became blank. Looking closer at its face I notice the same changes in its features, always of differing animals. When I tried to grasp the paper to have a better look I could not take it, my hand just went through it.

Looking at my opposite I also noticed that with each written paragraph, when it disappeared, a delicate design appeared and embroidered the cloak it was wearing. The more design appeared outwardly on its cloak the less aware of my person or the more empty I felt inside. The more set my outward appearance seemed to become the more fluid my inner one became. Each moment of what I seemed more and more to become was the sum of what my animals wrote, and the more I seemed to become the less control I had. It was the animals who were writing my story and not who I thought myself to be.

When I left they kept the pen and paper.

Challenge …I took it upon myself to take something with me with which I have absolutely zero experience, a sword. As such the sword represents all that which I have yet to overcome. Stepping forward I stuck the sword into the ground and waited. I heard voices or sounds coming from the sword, and an irresistible drive to pick it up again. Once I grabbed its hilt its touch felt soft, pulsating, warm, moving, alive. The whole word emanated vitality. No sooner did I take notice of the fact than it dissipated into a cloud of smoke. This smoke centred itself once again until I was faced with my animals. These then united in that hooded opposite, who handed me a key.

I felt that the key is the answer to the Challenges I face in life. Any problem to be solves does not lie outside ourselves but inside. Every aspect of a problem, its looks, what it is, the solution rests in the eye of the beholder.

“CHALLENGE is a perspective…in self awareness …through our emotions …without precondition.”

accomplishment …On the first moment of my very arrival with the Accomplishment note I was hit head on by a steadily increasing crescendo of animal cacophony. So intertwined were these noises that they were indistinguishable. So fervorous in nature were they that I was led to believe they were being driven by the very fear of an earthquake. My apprehension drew the muscles in my right hand causing it to encase my note with a tight fist. Like writhing young snakes in a nest my animals showed themselves and drew closer.

This swirling animal mass began to crystallize itself, being spearheaded by Bull Elephant who knocked me, without stopping. flat on my back. Like a tortoise on its back I was unable to move, and was easy prey for Raven who first pecked at my eyes, blinding me, and tore the note out of my hand. Lead by the Eagle at a lofty height, they all seemed to trample me under foot, carrying on with a collective single intent. I felt left behind and alone, just as unbearable as the pain I just experienced. I was not about to be left back, got up as best as I could on all fours, and followed with what was left of my senses. I did a good job of keeping up. On the way I was beaten up by what I could recognise as Gorilla, and on the other hand picked up and carried by Ice Bear. I knew that my note was out of reach but I was hot on its tail.

My Accomplishment experience serves as a good juxtaposition to the previous ones. There is a clearly more interplay and interaction. Less one sided. This obviously has me to understand the dimensions of the Value as a whole person. It is the difference between a 3D and 2D film. This time I felt the consequence, namely through pain, surprise, determination, physical testing, invalidity, desire, pride… . I have become less of an observer and more an equal part of my meditation. Like you said Values are a marker for a complex network of emotions, experiences, ideals, needs, wants etc.

My meditation certainly rings true when I look at the pursuit of Accomplishment, whether tangible or illusive, in my life. There are times when I feel things are slipping my grasp and other times when I can bathe in its glory. But looking back on this meditation one thing remains true, my determination and willingness to sacrifice. Funny, but it almost seems as if the pursuit of Accomplishment is more important than the result. The Accomplishment becomes the road to that end. And when I lose one means, as in the case of my eye sight, I will find another. There has always been another way in my life. Some way what I want will succeed, one way or the other. As in this case the Value of Accomplishment is a passion, a way of life. It is something very personal.

I must add that after this meditation I felt lighter and more at peace. I was able to work with greater drive and concentration.

learning …One after another my animals appeared before me forming a rough line. Like on a stand off my animals and I stood face to face. I handed them my note, each animal read it with interest, passed it onto the next and then held their direct neighbour “arm in arm”. They built a united front. I began to ask them what it was that they had read, and the more I talked the more the distance between us began to grow. It seemed like we were becoming more different, more separate, more alien to each other. And the further I went the darker it became. Then I realised like a lightning bolt that it was that very darkness which united us all. The animals moved closer, each complimenting the other in their natural weaknesses with their respective strengths. “Hand in hand” they drew a closed circle around me. I fought against myself to talk, and the more I lost that idea the closer I felt to them, the lighter it became. Although I understood there was a difference between us, I knew we were one. I felt like a caterpillar who had experienced metamorphose as a cocoon and had become a butterfly. I remained human but was as one of my animals. \n\n”Knowing without understanding” can exclude “understanding without knowing” but doesn’t mean that they are mutually exclusive. On reflection I could very well be talking about the waking and sleeping mind. Separated both just tap around in a mutual darkness, but together I can enjoy the freedom of change. And very often the gap between both side can be just a word too much or a thought. I understand myself to be a complex unity of emotions, thoughts and experiences. I know what it takes.